If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
