Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Who died my cat blue again?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
