He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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