Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
