You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
