Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
