jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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