i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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