Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
