I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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