u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
