Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
