I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
