Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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