he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
