his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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