Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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