I am puke
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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