I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Welp...herpes.
so let's talk penis.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she told me i tasted like america
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
