i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
