this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
