she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
