I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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