my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
