: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
