pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
