I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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