everyone is single if you try hard enough
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
