dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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