I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
