She is in my trunk
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i will never coherently bang her
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
