I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
