I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
