I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
