Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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