dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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