I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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