i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
