I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
