a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
