Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize