you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
