i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Found the puke drawer
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
