I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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