my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
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