mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
