Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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