Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
