saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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