I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
