hell yes lets make some ravioli
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
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