Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
