he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
