Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
