Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
