i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
