Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Jerry, you need to find god
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
