Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
