I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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