I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
